James M. Walsh Pastoral Counseling

I think that “forgiveness” is one of the most misunderstood words I’ve encountered in my work as a pastoral therapist.  Sometimes the reaction is astonishment: “you want ME to let HIM off the hook!”  Sometimes the reaction is anger: “how DARE you suggest that HE is not responsible for what he DID!”  And sometimes, regrettably, the reaction is shame: “I guess it really WAS my fault.”  Each of these reactions comes from a common misconception about forgiveness: that it absolves the offender from responsibility for his/her actions.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

To forgive is to decide to seek relief from the consequences of your own anger at another person through engaging a process that includes letting go of some aspect, perhaps all, of your right to retribution against the offender, coming to a clearer understanding of this other person, and performing some act of kindness either directly toward the offender or, if that would be inappropriate, then indirectly in some symbolic way.  Allow me to explain.

When someone offends me in some way anger arises.  That’s what anger is about: my body’s reaction to a real or perceived offense.  The next time you feel angry (i.e. your body experiences this affective state) take note of exactly what is happening to provoke the feeling and meditate on how it is that you perceive that event as a violation.  If you cannot find the violation, then consider the possibility that anger may not be an appropriate response!  In any case, you’ve begun the journey to forgiveness with a simple, mindful action: you’ve noticed the feeling, and noted the provoking event.  Great start!

The next step on the journey is to notice the consequences of anger.  Some of them are good.  Anger generally is an energizing emotion, one that makes one’s physical response stronger and swifter.  For this reason football coaches have been getting players angry at halftime for as long as there’s been organized football!  But notice, also, the downside of the anger response: cognitive narrowing.  When you’re feeling angry at least two cognitive phenomena occur: the first is that it is very difficult to think of anything other than the object of your anger.  If this process persists you’ve entered into the act of “perseveration” (a $10 word if there ever was one!), meaning you’ve become preoccupied with the anger-provoking event.  This perseveration can be tricky: as a result of your preoccupation you may initiate a feedback loop.  The more you think of the event, the angrier you get.  The angrier you get the more you think of the event.  Now you’re really suffering.

The second typical cognitive phenomenon that occurs when we’re angry is “emotional reasoning.”  I’ve posted on this before; it’s simply the logic that proceeds from emotional states.  When angry, we think thoughts that illustrate and confirm that we’ve been violated.  But the problem with emotional reasoning is that it has a bias built into it.  If your body FEELS it, then it MUST BE TRUE, or at least that is what your body wants you to believe.

So there you are, some of the problems that anger can cause.  Something happens, you perceive it as a violation, your body becomes aroused, you start to get over-focused on the event, you start thinking “angry thoughts,” which cause more anger, and you conclude that you must be right.  All in all, a formula for suffering.  These are the consequences of anger if it is not managed with skill and self-compassion.  It’s a very seductive emotion; anger feels strong and if we have a history of being violated it can become the “go to” emotion, being felt when no violation has been committed.  Anger ruins relationships, cardiovascular health, digestive health, spirituality, families, and lives.  The prevalence of anger in our society (go ahead, watch an evening of network television, and see how much of what passes for drama and comedy is based on anger) calls for a commitment to forgiveness, the surest antidote to the suffering of anger.

In this series of posts I want to make the case for considering forgiveness as a process to embrace when you feel angry.  In order to do so you need a definition of forgiveness.  This definition is a good one in my opinion:

Forgiveness is a conscious, willful choice to turn away from the pain, hurt, resentment, and wish for revenge that arises from a betrayal, offense, injustice, or deep hurt. Forgiveness involves a willingness to see the transgression and transgressor in a larger context, and to replace negative feelings with compassion and tolerance.  (from Robert Enright, PhD)

Please note that this definition is not about the offender, and not about the offense:  it is about YOU!  Forgiveness is about a change to your perspective, your point of view, and as a result of that shift a change in how you feel.  Forgiveness is about finding relief, and being able to love in greater freedom.

I hope that you are able to see clearly how the anger process works in you and what price you pay when you hold on to that anger toward another person.  I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that people who hold on to anger suffer greatly, and that people who are able to forgive suffer less.  If you’re unsure of this, take a moment to read this information concerning forgiveness and health, and watch the three brief videos on this website page:

http://www.thepowerofforgiveness.com/understanding/health.html#

The journey to forgiveness will continue with my next post.

Peace,

Jim

There are days in our life that can be remembered with one word.  For me, say “69 Mets” (OK, two words) and I’m transported to Linden Street in my home town, literally dancing down the street after hearing the last out recorded in the 1969 World Series, clutching my little transistor radio in my hand knowing that my beloved “Miracle Mets” had just pulled off the biggest reversal of fortunes in the history of baseball.  More tragically, say “Lennon” and I’m transported back to that terrible morning when we all awoke to learn that the “smart Beatle” had been shot down senselessly.  The best of times and the worst of times are often punctuated with a singular memory, a lone word that brings back all the images and thoughts and feelings.

For me, “Hamantaschen” has become one of those words.  In October of 2010 we lost a beloved man, my father in law, Tom.  I met him for the first time when I picked up my wife-to-be for our first date.  I knew I was getting into something special; he treated me like another son (he already had two) from the beginning.  He worked hard, helped anyone who needed a hand, took his faith and his family to his heart and never let go.  He lived with us for several years when his health began to decline, and when he died we all grieved deeply.

Hamantaschen are the sweet, triangular cookies traditionally eaten during the Jewish holiday of Purim.  I’m not Jewish, but when I learned about Purim I wished I was!  What a joyous holiday and what a story.  Esther and Mordecai, King Ahasuerus, Haman, who ends up on the gallows, and the Jewish people are delivered from annihilation.  Purim sounds like a blast, and I hope someday I’m able to partake in the festivities.

When my father in law died we were overcome by the outpouring of love from the community.  The viewing was held in the church of his home parish on the morning of his funeral Mass.  Hundreds of people came out to honor this man who died in his early ‘90s.  Middle aged men cried remembering their old Little League baseball coach.  Elderly parishioners recalled how many times Tom had shown up to help them, never claiming any special credit for his charitable nature.  Tears and celebration flowed all morning.

And then my good friend and fellow meditator, Judy, walked up the center aisle of the church with a box in her hands and a smile of comfort on her face.  “Here,” she said, “these are for you and your family.”  Hugs all around, and I opened the box and found Hamantaschen!  “You need something sweet in a time like this” she said.  And as quickly as she came up the aisle she was gone.

My wife and our family savored those cookies.  To this day all I have to say to her is “Hamantaschen” and we both break into a smile that says it all: dad has died and we miss him and we mourn him; but life is good and is filled with loving and comforting.  When I think of Judy and of Hamantaschen I am transported back to a sad time of celebration, indelibly recorded in my heart and soul.

You probably have words like these too.  Savor them; learn from them; allow yourself to be transported back to another time and place.  Some words will bring up great pain, unrelieved by any joy or love or satisfaction.  Sit with those feelings, learn from them, make sense of them, and allow that word to be just a word once again.  Some words will bring up great joy; savor the feeling, sit with it and allow that joy to become a deeper part of who you are.  And some words will bring up a mixture of joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness.  Words like Hamantaschen will do that to you, allowing you to own and embrace your memories, no matter how they make you feel.

This is our practice.  In mindfulness we are aware, awake, accepting.  All feelings can be learned, lived with, and let go if need be.  Sometimes all it takes is a word, mindfully recalled, to begin the practice once again.  For me, Hamantaschen is a great start to a period of meditation.

Thanks, Judy!

Peace,

Jim

Acceptance.  Seeing phenomenal reality, as it emerges, with great clarity.  Acceptance.  Letting go of our mental interpretations about emerging phenomena and choosing, intentionally, to experience each moment directly.  Acceptance requires self-knowing; we must be able to recognize the workings of the mind, understand which of those workings are based on true experience and which result from whatever residue of clinging remains after the hard work of our sitting meditation.  Acceptance.  Am I able to perceive the moment as it unfolds, know my own mental baggage, let go of that baggage and respond to the moment with the greatest of skill, based on my insight into what is happening and the degree of compassion that accompanies that insight.  Acceptance.

With the practice of acceptance comes great equanimity.  The emotional roller coaster ride begins to smooth out and slow down.  With acceptance we find ourselves becoming quite steady, at times rather unflappable.  Like a great mountain we endure when we practice acceptance.  Acceptance becomes the fertile soil that sustains my life.

Acceptance is a state of mind that we can cultivate with our sitting meditation, and it is a trait of mind when it is practiced persistently with intention.  In becoming a trait, our acceptance permeates all of our days and all of our affairs.  It becomes a vital aspect of our identity, and is experienced by others as empathy and compassion.  It is the foundation of love.

I prefer to think of trait acceptance as active acceptance.  Too often I have heard acceptance described as a passive state, but it is quite the opposite.  To live in acceptance is to embrace life with great vigor, working unceasingly, but always working “with” life rather than “against” life.  For example, when in the midst of evil the person practicing acceptance can see clearly what s/he is facing, without denial or defensiveness, maintaining inner calm.  In this state of mind the right view about the nature of the evil emerges, and from that right view emerges right actions.

In the example I used in my previous essay a gentleman I called Fred encountered an unpleasant situation with a colleague who has lashed out verbally, seemingly unprovoked.  Fred recognized, in meditation, that his colleague’s outburst was evidence of suffering, suffering with deep roots emerging from his colleague’s experiences as a bullied child.  Fred let go of his own anger and recognized compassion emerging, and allowed himself to abide in this wave of compassion by practicing metta for his colleague.

The challenge for Fred, as it is for each of us, is what happens next.  What happens when Fred sees his colleague again?  How does he operationalize his compassion, make compassion an emerging phenomenon in his relationship with his colleague?  This is the work of active acceptance, since it is quite possible that Fred’s acts of kindness toward his offended colleague will be rebuffed or, worse, seen as patronizing.  Yet it is essential that Fred form the intention in his mind and heart to act with kindness toward his colleague, allowing himself to be vulnerable as if he had, indeed, offended this person.

This work is the work of Forgiveness, a form of lovingkindness that is powerful, perhaps the most powerful force within any relationship.  Active acceptance means we turn toward the difficult person or difficult situation with kindness, perhaps being careful to maintain needed boundaries in the case where the person or situation presents a threat to our welfare or another’s, but the firmness of the boundary is surrounded by the softness of our compassion.  The act of forgiving, which I see as the active part of acceptance, requires great insight, mindful acceptance, willingness to let go of retribution (to which we may have a right), and, in time, acts of kindness, if appropriate and safe to do.

More on that in my next post.

Peace,

Jim

I’ve posted on Acceptance on three occasions (twice in June, 2011, and once in October of 2011); I think it’s an important topic, and an integral part of mindfulness practice.  Jon Kabat-Zinn’s definition of mindfulness captures this perfectly: “paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally, to the unfolding of experience moment to moment.”  In summary, mindfulness is attentional, intentional, immediate, and accepting.  The first three can be learned through practice; the fourth, the acceptance, is more difficult.

Acceptance can only occur if we can perceive present moment reality with clarity.  Our meditation practice allows us to notice all aspects of mental activity, both the immediate phenomena that occur (i.e. sense perceptions, body sensations, thoughts and emotions) and our tendency to interpret those phenomena.  Our acceptance work begins with those interpretations; we have to notice them and realize which are distortions of the actual phenomena and which are not.  Once we’ve worked through the interpretation layer, we can then simply be in a state of attentional control, noticing the immediate arising of perceptions and sensations, not judging, just aware.

The work we do in our meditation practice enables our minds to become quite strong in their capacity to pay attention with intention in the moment without judging.  But what use is this capacity unless the internal process is manifest in some way externally?  Allow me to explain by example.

A person (we’ll call him Fred) feels anger toward a colleague who lashed out at him, unprovoked, while Fred was telling a story about a game of basketball he played a few days ago.  When Fred sits in meditation later that day he calms himself with a clearing breath, and begins some simple breath counting to focus his mind.  Within a short period he finds his attention to be sharp, and breath-centered.  He then begins to practice open awareness, allowing sensations and perceptions to be noticed, with breath awareness continuing as a backdrop.  So far, a pleasant meditation.  As his mind is relaxed his feelings of anger return, and he notices those feelings, both as angry thoughts and angry body sensations (tightened chest, increased breathing rate…).  He makes meditative space for these thoughts and sensations, not judging them, breathing and noticing.  Then a thought comes into Fred’s mind: “that guy is a jerk.  He had no business talking to me that way.”  Fred immediately recognizes his interpretation (“that guy is a jerk”) and his own hurt reaction (“He had no business talking to me that way.”).  Having had good meditation instruction, Fred refrains from judging his own judgmental thought, makes space for it, breathes with it, and notices its strength diminish in the process.

As his meditation proceeds Fred notices that the image of his colleague arises, and a memory flashes through his mind: his colleague had once confided in him that he was bullied by the “jocks” in his high school.  Suddenly Fred has the insight that his colleague views him as a jock, and hearing him talk about playing basketball might have triggered some old memories and some thoughts and feelings that really weren’t about Fred at all.  Fred feels compassion for his colleague, and practices metta (lovingkindness meditation) for his colleague.

Wow, what a great meditation!  I wish all of mine were so fruitful!  But when I contemplate this scenario I realize it’s not enough.  Fred has used acceptance during his meditation as a way to allow his mind to make sense of the events of the day and to let go of his interpretations.  As a result of his acceptance he experiences compassion, which is good for him but not really helping his colleague very much.  Fred has experienced mindful acceptance; but he must take that further, with the practice of active acceptance.  More on that in my next post.

Peace,

Jim

With the conclusion of the “Mindfulness and Trauma Focused Treatment: Working with the Body” workshop today at the Summer Institute, I’ve uploaded several items for you:

First, a basic Mindfulness of Breath Meditation; all recordings are in mp3 format:

Second, the Body Scan:

Third, an Open Awareness Meditation:

Fourth, a meditation led by Dr. Jenna Tedesco titled “Joints and Glands Meditation”:

Fifth, a Breath Meditation led by Dr. Jenna Tedesco:

Sixth, a Lovingkindness Meditation:

And last but not least, the Mountain Meditation.  I mistakenly deleted the one I led in the class, but have re-recorded it:

For those interested in leading the Mountain Meditation, here is the script I used; you’ll note that I ad libbed a certain portion of it: mountain meditation

Many wanted contact information for our instructors.  Dr. Jenna Tedesco has a wonderful website, rich with information.  Here is the link:  http://www.presentcenter.net/   You’ll find Jenna’s contact information on that website.  Stay tuned to it for information for MBSR and other programs that Jenna plans on offering, as well as links to other websites and MBSR programs offered by other providers.

Dr. Steve DiJulio can be reached via email at sdijuliophd@aol.com.  I can be reached via email at walshjm54@yahoo.com

For extended mindfulness training you can contact either myself or Dr. Tedesco for guidance.  In the meantime, we would both strongly recommend getting additional training either through the University of Massachusetts Center for Mindfulness (http://www.umassmed.edu/cfm/index.aspx) or Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia (http://www.jeffersonhospital.org/departments-and-services/mindfulness).

Dr. DiJulio gave out a sheet with Gestalt References.  In case you would like the original file, here it is: Gestalt Therapy References  If you’re interested in getting more Gestalt training, Steve recommends the Gestalt Therapy Institute of Philadelphia (http://www.gestaltphila.org).  If you would like to talk to someone at the Institute Steve recommends you call either Mary Lou Shack (610-207-9930) or David S. Henrich (215-233-3994 x21).

Also, one of my colleagues, Cara Palmer, LCSW, will be offering an MBSR program beginning in September.  If you are interested you can download her brochure by clicking on this link: MBSR Tri-fold Brochure Fall 2013 Blue

If you’re interested in taking the Five Facet Mindfulness Inventory online it can be accessed at this website address:  http://www.awakemind.org/quiz.php

Ken Williams, one of the attendees of the workshop, found this NIH website with great research articles about Mindfulness:  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/?term=mindfulness+based+stress+reduction  Enjoy!

There’s still more information to add, which will get done over the next few days.  To those who attended this workshop, thanks for being such great and eager learners.  And to anyone else reading this post, I hope you find the information in this post and others useful.

Peace,

Jim

Nearly a year ago I posted an essay on emotional reasoning (see “Emotional Reasoning” in the archive for August 2012).   I hope it all made sense, but I’m afraid I fell down on the job a bit because I promised, at the end of that post, that my next post would be on “perspective taking.”  I never posted that essay, an error I am correcting today.

In that essay a year ago on emotional reasoning I discussed the normal human process of witnessing events (a continuous and seemingly infinite process even during an ordinary day), having emotions/feelings emerge nearly spontaneously, and then having behaviors at least initiate, if not actually occur.  The example I used back then was our response to perceiving a yellow traffic light far enough ahead so that we slow down and stop.  You perceive the event (the yellow light), a feeling emerges (caution), and a behavior ensues (you stop, or at least we’re hoping you will!).

It’s not until all of these phenomena have occurred that thinking gets into the action.  The first thoughts we have, which we can call automatic thoughts, generally emerge from the feeling of the event and usually support the behavior that emerged.  In the case above the automatic thought would be simple: good thing I stopped, wouldn’t want to have an accident.

In this rather simple example we see how all of our mental processes work, to a point.  The way of thinking that is automatic can be referred to as “emotional reasoning;” that is, the way our mind makes sense of the feeling we have and the way we behaved.  Here’s another example, less mundane than the previous one.  I receive an email from my boss that says “I noticed you didn’t get that report I wanted done on time.  Please come to my office at your earliest convenience.”  Oy Vey!  This could be serious.  A feeling arises, probably anxiety (dread of future danger) or even fear (dread of present danger).  Now behaviors emerge; perhaps you pace a bit, or fidget, or bite your nails, or begin calling around to see if anyone knows if s/he is in a good mood today.  But, like our “yellow light” example above, the behaviors that arise are typically congruent with the feeling that emerges.  And now, here comes emotional reasoning in the form of automatic thoughts!  “I know I’ll get fired!”  “He didn’t give me enough time to do the report the RIGHT way!”  “I’m always putting myself in these jams; what’s wrong with me!”  It can go on and on.

I think you can see the problem that emotional reasoning, when perpetuated, can cause.  Each one of those thoughts would only serve to make the feelings of anxiety and/or fear stronger, last longer, and dominate our conscious awareness.  We become the fear; in a way we become fused with the fear as if we actually ARE the fear rather than a person having an experience of fear.  It’s important, when we fall into a pattern of emotional reasoning that perpetuates a painful emotion, that we are able to use a different skill, perspective taking.

Perspective taking, as the term implies, is simply another way of thinking about a situation.  Seems simple, and it is, but we have to work at it.  In the example of the boss missing the report, my perspective taking might sound like this: “He’s right, I’m two days late with this.  Just got so busy I couldn’t commit as well as I would have liked.  He’s usually pretty understanding and probably will ask me to prioritize this report over my other projects.  Oh well, I’ve faced bigger challenges that this and come through OK.

You should notice a few things about this perspective taking.  First, it is not automatic; it requires effort and reasoning.  Second, it doesn’t white-wash the problem; it merely considers other possibilities about the issue at hand.  Third, if affirms my ability to be resilient.  Finally, it doesn’t take a “best case scenario” perspective but it does assume that the problem can be handled.  I hope you can see how thinking this way would slow down the fear, restore some measure of calmness, and make it easier to stop by and see my boss.

Perspective taking is a very important skill.  It is what parents teach their children when they get upset.  It is what we do to make sense out of a world that can be very difficult at times.  And the miracle of perspective taking is that it actually slows down the neurobiology of the “fear center” of the brain so that the relief you have after doing it is a genuine felt experience.  Emotional reasoning is a key feature of the problem focused personality style.  Perspective taking is a key feature of the solution focused personality style.  Guess which type of personality is generally happier?

One other thought on perspective taking.  When we are in the midst of emotional reasoning we experience “cognitive narrowing.”  This is the phenomenon of not being able to think of anything else besides the emotion-driven events before us. Cognitive narrowing limits our capacity to find solutions to problems.  Perspective taking, on the other hand, leads to “cognitive widening.”  Because we are calmer we can see with greater clarity, and are much more disposed to find solutions.

Perspective taking is an important part of mindfulness meditation practice.  In our formal practice we repeatedly dwell in a non-judgmental, present moment perspective that notices our internal experiences.  Cultivating this perspective habituates our minds to this skill, so that in the moment our emotional reasoning arises we are much better equipped to use perspective taking as needed.  People who practice mindfulness are better able to take new and sometimes novel perspectives about the occurrences of life, and less prone to get stuck in the revolving door of emotional reasoning.  So the next time you wonder “why bother sitting today” notice the resistance (the feeling), the urge to do something else, and the emotional reasoning (“oh, I’ve got so much to do today; I’m afraid I’ll never get done”).  Then do some perspective taking: “If I sit today I’ll be better at perspective taking!”  The more you meditate, the more you will meditate again!

Peace,

Jim

So, did you take the Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire (FFMQ)?  If not and you would like to, just scroll down to the previous post and you’ll find the link to the online version of this self-assessment.  Whether you choose to take it or not, you might find its “five facets” interesting and helpful.

Overall the FFMQ seeks to assess the extent of a person’s Dispositional Mindfulness, which is understood as the experience of mindfulness as a trait of personality, and not as a state one practices through meditation.  To reiterate a point in my previous post, the regular practice of “state mindfulness” (i.e. formal meditation) strengthens trait (or dispositional) mindfulness.  Presumably the FFMQ will give you an idea as to how “trait mindful” you are, much like a personality assessment might give you an idea as to how extraverted or introverted you are.

The FFMQ goes further than simply an overall assessment of Dispositional Mindfulness, however.  It breaks mindfulness into these five facets, or parts:

Observing: This is the tendency to notice or attend to internal and external experiences, such as sensations, emotions, cognitions, sounds, sights, and smells.  When we do sitting meditation, it’s not unusual to anchor your attention in your breath, while noticing the various awarenesses that come to your attention, like those named above.  This facet assesses whether you believe you maintain this level of awareness on a general basis

Describing: This is the tendency to describe and label those experiences with words.  Are you skilled at naming how you’re feeling?  At finding words to describe your internal, mental experiences?  That is what this facet intends to capture.

Acting with Awareness:  This is the tendency to bring undivided attention to current activities and experiences.  As life unfolds, are you aware and noticing?  Able to say in your mind’s voice “I’m reading this blog in this moment and learning something new”?

Non-Judging: This is the tendency to accept and not evaluate your internal experiences.  You simply notice them, perhaps you name them, perhaps not, but you do not fuse with those experiences.  “These feelings or perceptions or thoughts are mental events I’m having, but they’re not WHO I am.”

Non-Reacting: This is the tendency to allow thoughts and feelings to come and go, without getting caught up or carried away with them.  It is the natural consequence, in a way, of having a non-judging attitude toward your internal experiences.  “I feel THIS way; what is my most skillful response?” may be what you hear yourself think.

In a nutshell, according to this body of research being “mindful” means to observe your internal experiences in a way that allows you to describe them, neither judge nor react strongly to them, and act skillfully in full awareness.  I think it’s an interesting way to look at mindfulness, one that can help us to deepen our practice.

In the course of a typical day we all find ourselves living quite mindlessly; it’s pretty inevitable.  In the moment I realize “hey, I’m being pretty mindless,” having knowledge of these five facets of mindfulness may help me to realize where I went off course and help to guide my formal meditation practice.  For instance, if I find myself getting carried away with my feelings, then working on remaining non-judgmental in my formal practice may be very helpful.  Often in our formal practices an urge to do something (like change our posture or turn off the fan that’s making that clicking sound) arises; sitting and abiding with that urge might help each of us to be more non-reactive in our day-to-day living.

So, maybe this way of thinking about mindfulness helps you to understand your practice, maybe not, but it’s good to know that there are a lot of scholars out there taking this ancient practice very seriously and learning more about how it helps people to have less suffering and greater serenity.  You’ll find a lot of information in news sources about this kind of research, and I would encourage you to let it stoke your curiosity as you deepen your personal practice.

Peace,

Jim

About a year ago I wrote an essay titled “Mindfulness: State and Trait” (June 26, 2012).  In that essay I described two ways to understand the personal experience of being mindful.  One way, state, is when we actively practice any form of meditation (e.g. sitting, walking, body scan, mindful stretching, etc.).  State mindfulness is the “work” of our practice, and how we cultivate deeper and deeper levels of mindful living.

On the other hand, trait refers to our temperament, or, if you prefer, our personality, which is relatively stable in terms of its day to day manifestation. You might think of “state” as analogous to the weather and “trait” as analogous to the climate.  Weather may vary, but climate is steady (well, we hope so anyway).  Your meditation practice is a chance to explore your internal weather, with your personality as a stable backdrop.

One interesting aspect of the practice of mindfulness is that the regular inducement of state mindfulness leads to strengthening trait mindfulness.  That shouldn’t be that surprising, of course, as anyone who’s ever practiced a skill knows.  The more you work on playing the piano, the more you become a “piano player.”  It’s like the great scene in “The Karate Kid:” “wax on, wax off” leads to the ability to block a punch reflexively.  Meditate regularly enough and you find yourself taking a mindful breath in the midst of the chaos without effort; suddenly you have clarity where once there was confusion.

A question we always ask at our monthly meditation meetings is “How’s your practice going?”  Here’s another question you might want to ask: “Is my practice leading to a strengthening of mindfulness as a trait?”  If you’re curious about that one, there’s a trait mindfulness inventory that’s being used in research that seems to have good validity.  It’s called the Five Facet Mindfulness Questionnaire.  It’s self administered, and can be found online at http://www.awakemind.org/quiz.php

If you take this inventory you’ll notice that it gives you an overall mindfulness score but it also breaks mindfulness into five facets: Observe, Describe, Act with Awareness, Non-Judging, and Non-Reacting.  In my next essay we’ll take a look at these five facets and their correlations with other psychological factors (e.g. depression-proneness, relationship skills etc.).

Peace,

Jim

“People here are funny. They work so hard at living they forget how to live.”  Longfellow Deeds.

“At two o’clock this morning, Mr. Deeds held up traffic while he fed a bagful of doughnuts to a horse. When asked why he was doing it, he replied, ‘I just wanted to see how many doughnuts this horse would eat before he asked for a cup of coffee.'”  Newspaper article describing Mr. Deeds’s “pixilated” behaviors.

I love old movies; new ones too!  Last week “Mr. Deeds Goes to Town” was on, and I got to watch the last half of it again.  For those unfamiliar, it’s a 1936 movie directed by Frank Capra, whose movies always seem to capture a slice of down home life, regular folks just living the American life.  If you want to experience Capra at his best just look out for “It Happened One Night,” “Mr. Deeds…,” “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” and “It’s a Wonderful Life.”  Capra is most interested in the average person facing life’s difficulties, often caused by conflict between the greedy and judgmental rich and frugal and accepting small town people.  He paints in broad strokes, usually not completely realistically (small town folks can be quite greedy and judgmental too!), but he always makes an important point: life is simpler than we make it out to be, if only we can stop trying to be things we’re not, and just be who we really are.  If nothing else, Capra argues for a radical authenticity in how we choose to live our lives.  At least that’s my take on Capra.

There’s a great scene in “Mr. Deeds…” that makes the case for authenticity.  Longfellow Deeds, the title character, has been brought into court for a sanity hearing.  You see, he inherited $20 million and decided it was too much trouble to be wealthy and live in the big city.  He began giving away the fortune so he could return to his small town life (the fictional Mandrake Falls) where he had been quite happy.  Various schemers do what schemers do best: they plot to upend Mr. Deeds and get the fortune for themselves.  They argue that anyone who would want to give away $20 million MUST be insane.  And to prove their point they bring in, as their star witnesses, the Faulkner sisters, elderly spinsters who have known Longfellow since his birth in Mandrake Falls.  They testify that he is “pixilated” and always has been. Here’s the movie’s definition of pixilated, spoken by one of the psychiatrists who will determine his sanity:

Perhaps I can explain, Your Honor. The word pixilated is an early American expression, derived from the word ‘pixies,’ meaning elves. They would say, ‘The pixies had got him,’ as we nowadays would say a man is ‘balmy.’

Later on the same sisters testify that everyone in Mandrake Falls is pixilated, except them, of course.  Eventually Longfellow is exonerated, gets to punch the head schemer in the nose, and returns home with his sweetheart in his arms.  Don’t you love happy Hollywood endings!

Why must we be so darned sober and serious all the time!  Can’t we be a bit pixilated too?  To be pixyish is to be playfully mischievous.  To have some fun with life, mostly with our self, not taking ourselves and life so seriously.  Sometimes we get so serious, so hung up on “how things ought to be,” that we miss how things actually are.  Look around you; no matter how difficult this moment may be for you, and, yes, life can be very difficult, look and see the beauty inherent in this moment, this person, this world.  This is the moment we are invited to embrace, to join in a dance with God or transcendence or eternity, however you choose to understand the mystery of this life.  Thomas Merton, Catholic mystic, embracer of the dance of life, closed his spiritual classic “New Seeds of Contemplation,” with this lovely sentence:

We are invited to forget ourselves on purpose, cast our awful solemnities to the winds and join in the general dance.

So my message in this little, silly essay is don’t be afraid to find out how many doughnuts a horse will eat before it asks for a cup of coffee.  Don’t work so hard at living that you forget how to live.  I think Merton would have agreed wholeheartedly with Deeds: everyone is a little pixilated, if only we have the courage and wisdom to be so.

So I’m off to pixilate a bit now.  Watch out, you may find me dancing!

Peace,

Jim

Sometime last year (or the year before?) I wrote some posts on Resilience.  As time passes there’s so much good research that comes out, especially about this particular construct.  As this month’s Scientific American Mind has a feature article on Resilience (“Ready for Anything;” July/August 2o13 SI Mind), I thought I would recapitulate some earlier thoughts and add some from more recent research.

Resilience is usually thought of as the capacity to bounce back from difficult times, but there’s another dimension altogether that can’t be overlooked.  Besides the capacity to bounce back, resilience includes the capacity to ward off diminishment due to stressors in your life.  So one way to think of resilience would be one’s recovery from a depressive episode.  Another way would be one’s ability to prevent falling into the depressive episode in the first place.  Both qualities of resilience are a combination of personality traits and learned skills.  One can become a more resilient person through practice and commitment, but one is born with some level of innate resilience.

The most recent edition of SI Mind makes several good points about resilience that bear repeating.  Here is a synopsis of those points.

1. “Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or even significant sources of stress.”  If we focus on the word “adapting” in particular, I think we can see that resilience can be found in deciding to work with a new but adverse condition, seeing how this setback creates opportunity for deeper and more meaningful living.  I can think of many of the people I’ve worked with or taught over the years who suffered a tragedy but then converted those painful emotions into the energy they needed to create positive change in their own life, often times on societal levels.  For instance I can think of one person who lost a dear friend to suicide, then decided to dedicate her life to helping people who’ve reached that dark place find a way out of their suffering.  Her pain over this loss caused adaptation, and this adaptation in and of itself is emblematic of her resilience.  Can we do something similar when life brings us tragedy, seeking to find ways to relieve our own suffering, to some extent, by relieving the suffering of others?  And, if we can, does this not become our own healing, our own journey to renewed life?

2. “A resilient person is…not someone who avoids stress, but someone who learns how to tame and master it.”  Oh, to have a stress free life.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  It may sound great, but it’s an illusion.  Life brings stress; pain happens.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a pessimist by nature, but you have to admit that things seem to go wrong pretty regularly without any help from you or me!  So the question we must ask ourselves is not only “how do I eliminate stress?” but also, “how do I thrive despite stress?”  I think that this statement, quoted above, is important to incorporate into our foundational mindset.  We must reframe stress as it arises in our life.  If we begin to see stressful events as inevitable and understandable, then we can begin to see that the problem isn’t that stress happens, the  problem is how well I actually handle stress.  It’s an important reframe because it leaves one able to say, with sureness, that my life, and life in general, is good, even when things go wrong.  Accepting this statement as true frees us to be solution oriented people rather than problem oriented.

3. “Two approaches that have received increasing scientific support (in resilience research) are cognitive reappraisals and mindfulness meditation.”  In the first two sections of this post we’ve looked at how choosing an adaptive response can help us to be resilient and how changing our attitude about stress can make stress more survivable.  Now, let’s take a look at how a person can use the mind itself to manage stress.

Cognitive reappraisal is a learned mental behavior, it’s that simple.  Another phrase for this behavior is perspective taking.  Bad things happen.  Sometimes our point of view is accepting, seeing things clearly, and then responding with skill.  But sometimes our point of view is aversive, seeing things in a distorted way, and then responding in concert with the aversion and distortion, often with little skill.  It’s difficult to recognize and accept our aversions and distortions, because often we’ve learned them through our family of origin or overall life experiences.  And those aversions and distortions may actually have been quite functional at one time and in one place, but may be quite out of touch right here, right now.  It’s good to be humble.  Did you ever meet someone and think “wow, this guy really sees things the wrong way?”  Well, guess what, sometimes each of us is “this guy.”  When things are getting worse rather than better consider the possibility that you might be seeing things completely wrong, and you need to reappraise, take a different perspective.  Someone else’s insult may be evidence of their aversions and distortions, not yours.  Your loathing for a person may be evidence of your pain, rather than something that’s wrong with the other person.  Life may not be fair, but it can be lived as fully as possible.

But taking a new perspective isn’t always easy, especially when what we’re feeling and thinking seems SO RIGHT.  That’s where mindfulness practice can be helpful.  When we meditate by centering our minds on a single object, such as breath, non-judgmentally, our bodies and minds slow down with time and practice.  But more importantly our capacity for broad mindedness, to see new perspectives, for cognitive reappraisals, gets so much stronger.  We notice the ebb and flow of our minds, and realize that thoughts are just thoughts, feelings just feelings.  They may or may not be true representations of our life; we get to decide.  This openness allows us to see our internal experiences with equanimity, which can then become our calmness toward the world.  The meditation work itself may not actually relieve our stress level, but it may just open our minds enough so that we can see things differently, and respond with much greater skill.  Mindfulness might not be the answer to our problems, but it may make it possible to find the answer.  I can think of no greater skill that’s made my life easier than my capacity to be mindful.

Well, that’s the scoop from this wonderful article in SI Mind.  I highly recommend this publication, as it is constantly filled with thought provoking articles about the mind. Hope this was helpful!

Peace,

Jim